Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Recycling Robin Hood

I'm thinking of going out to Utah, to that fancy Sundance Film Festival and give Robert Redford my latest movie script. It's called "The Recycling Robin Hood." It's all about a guy who steals stuff, but doesn't sell it or use it for himself, rather, he recycles the items. He steals anything; cars (SUV's, mostly), computers, big screen TV's, hibachis, you name it, if it can be recycled, he steals it. He's a good guy and wouldn't harm a squirrel unless the squirrel was chewing on his roof, and then he would relocate the squirrel and his whole squirrel family to a forest preserve.

Mr. Ted Wang, from Wang's Health Food Store in Chicago, is interested in investing in the project, and to show his faith, is already giving me a ten percent discount on all vitamin related products. But I can't go blabbing this to everyone because, as Mr. Wang says, he runs a business, not a charity, and (while giving me a knowing look) there's already enough screwballs shopping in his store.

I've written a scene that takes place in Wang's, where the Recycling Robin Hood buys several pounds of organic split peas, but refuses any type of bag, paper or plastic. Instead, he fills his pockets with the dried peas until they are bulging at the seams; then he jumps onto the produce scale at the check-out counter and has the cashier weigh him, and tells the cashier to deduct his actual weight (175 pounds) from the total. The Recycling Robin Hood is good at figuring out stuff like that.

The Recycling Robin Hood conducts his whole life in accordance to a set of earth-friendly rules given to him by a conscientious, intoxicating hippie girl named Marsha he met at the Salvation Army store. He doesn't even notice her large bosoms and low-cut peasant dress, instead, he's entranced by what she says. He's very principled and uses a toothbrush he made himself from old shoelaces.

The Recycling Robin Hood doesn't wear a costume, except for a large metal belt buckle that has a triangle recycling symbol with the letter "R" in the center. He made the buckle out of a hubcap he found on Cicero avenue, right outside the Whole Foods store in Chicago. He doesn't wear it around the house unless asked by a very close friend. The buckle can be unexpectedly cold when it touches bare skin. None of his neighbors know his identity as The Recycling Robin Hood; they think he's just an ordinary electrician.

Whenever Robin steals something, he leaves an earth-friendly card that says, "Sorry to have stolen your______________ (he fills in the blank with the name of the stolen item). It is being returned to Mother Earth for the sake of the planet. Don't buy another one or I'll steal that too. Signed, respectfully, The Recycling Robin Hood."

I'm hoping this will be a hit with that environmental "green" crowd. They currently have no real leader.

One more thing: The Recycling Robin Hood doesn't steal pets, not even the annoying, barking dog that lives down the street.